Post some decent Jokes here

posted by Jokers Forum

Laughing is good for health. Let this forum be active. Request you to share some nice and decent jokes here to laugh.. This will keep our day live...

Like 0   DisLike 1
Posted On 11/19/2017 9:01:00 PM by Joker

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Posted On 11/19/2017 9:16:10 PM by PJ's

Q) What do you call someone who begs for jokes?
A) A funny beggar

Posted On 11/19/2017 9:39:27 PM by Confused

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”

Posted On 11/19/2017 10:01:37 PM by BJP

The biggest joke : India mem Acha din aa gaya.....

Posted On 11/19/2017 11:51:48 PM by PJ's

What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Posted On 11/20/2017 9:39:33 PM by funny

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Posted On 11/20/2017 9:44:10 PM by Postman

Postman: I have had to walk 5 miles to deliver this packet.
Aneel: Why did walk so far? You could have posted it.

Posted On 11/20/2017 10:28:52 PM by Well Wisher

All these new laws in Kuwait are made to make life easier for expats

Posted On 11/21/2017 3:10:32 AM by Funny

1. Which is the coolest Alphabet?
Answer: B, because it lies between A/C

2. Which is the hottest Alphabet?
Answer: T (Tea)

Posted On 11/21/2017 9:28:31 PM by Santa

Santa was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to put in the column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote : Yes, please.

Posted On 11/21/2017 10:34:58 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

Logic of Doctors in Middle East....
Patient without insurance...
Nominal Consultation fees
1 Panadol packet.??????
Patient with insurance. ..
Premium consultation fees..
5 unwanted medical test
2 saline bottles with injection
8 different types and color of medicines.
Request of re visit after 7 days

Posted On 11/21/2017 10:49:02 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

Munna bhai: agar bina daton ka kuta kate to kya karna chahiye?
Circuit: simple, bina sui ke injection lena chahiye

Posted On 11/21/2017 10:50:04 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

Bikhari: 50 paise de de maine 3 din se khana nahin khaya hai
Knjoos: 10 rupaye dunga , pahele ye bata 50 paise mein khana kahan milta hai !!!!

Posted On 11/21/2017 11:02:30 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji.

Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: - why did U come so far. Instead U could Have posted it....

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR

Sardar's wish: when I die, I wana die like my Grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not Screaming like all d passengers in d car he was Driving..

A Teacher lecturing on population:
"In Indi a after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid. "
A Sardar stands up- "We must find & stop her!. "

A man: "Sardarji, tell me, why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in the evening not in the morning?"
Sardarji: ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words.
And finds It means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.

Posted On 11/21/2017 11:02:41 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
Guess what... To avoid side effects!!!

Man: Sardarji where were U born?
Sardarji: Punjab .
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar".

Lawyer to Sardar: "Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke...... "
Sardar :"Yeh kya, Sita pe haath lagaya to court mein Bulaya. Ab fir Gita pe haath!!"

Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me.
I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two Coats"

A sardar was drawing money from ATM,
The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258"

Q:) How do U recognize a sardar in school or College???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard... BOLO tarara!!

Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept........

Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch. Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!

Roll N' Rock Forever !!!

Posted On 11/21/2017 11:27:43 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

Some of them funnily true

> Commonly Used Phrases at the Office and what they really mean!
> 1. For your information, please. (FYI)
> Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.
> 2. Noted and returned.
> Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.
> 3. Review and comment.
> Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.
> 4. Action please.
> Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.
> 5. For your necessary action.
> Meaning: It's your headache now.
> 6. Copy to.
> Meaning: Here's a share of my headache.
> 7. For your approval, please.
> Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.
> 8. Action is being taken.
> Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.
> 9. Your letter is receiving our attention.
> Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.
> 10. Please discuss.
> Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.
> 11. For your immediate action.
> Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.
> 12. Please reply soon.
> Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.
> 13. We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant authorities.
> Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.
> 14. Regards.
> Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~


Posted On 11/22/2017 9:39:26 PM by Funner

Goood Tanveer Ahmed

Posted On 11/22/2017 10:48:26 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

1 . (Whatever)
Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why dont we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time i got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why dont we have Si Chuan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Si Chuan, today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhoea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..

2. (Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe' and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything

3. (You decide)
Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The Bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: Ok we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: Eat what?
Women: Anything...

Posted On 11/22/2017 11:53:32 PM by AR Rahman

The motion topic pop up again !!!

Posted On 11/25/2017 9:50:35 PM by Amit Thomas

There are lot of jokes in IIK Forums. Today someone asked money plant can get money from it.. I think that joke is enough for today...

Posted On 11/26/2017 12:12:21 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say ' silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East G ermany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realising that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land'?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.

Posted On 11/26/2017 12:13:02 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four g et on. In Cardiff , 1 1 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Posted On 11/26/2017 1:38:00 AM by Joker

Nice one!!!

Posted On 11/27/2017 4:22:07 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

IS THAT YOUR STORY..................... ...............???
Leave Kuwait, and miss the Houmos and Mutabel and all the Vaasta you built up, are you kidding?

Most people I know here came to Kuwait, the Promised Land, for maximum two years, or "to make enough money'" and go back home. Countless Felafel and Shawerma sandwich years later, they are all still here, greyed quite a bit, but very much here.

Kuwait is like that. One starts off earnestly in a job, wants to work hard (and hopefully continues to do so). You share an apartment with some kind folks (who pass on Sambhar and Chutney to you on bad days, on the good they pass on some fried Zubaidi). You begin to get comfortable with the non-iron bedsheets and Jamaiyas laden with easy to serve yoghurt and long life milk. By then your status has risen back home because you work in this oil-rich, highest per capita income Wonderland.

Ma beckons from home that they have found a "nice, homely" girl for you. So you rent your own one bedroom apartment, put out few cheap "Banta" chairs, and blend in some Ikea "As Is" furniture just for it to not look so cheap. Few Friday market visits later, your house and heart are ready to receive the new bride.

If winter is here can spring be far behind? Stacks of Pampers (whatever would young mothers do without them?) appear in the by now crowded home. The patter of tiny feet, Cartoon Network, pushchairs and colic occupy your waking and sleeping hours. The MBA you well intended is long forgotten with the stress of how to ask the boss for a raise, now that your child will start play school, and you can't cope with the instalments for your new place back home. The raise never comes, or if it does it is too meagre to write home about. The luckier ones find fresh opportunities and move up the economic ladder, but never out of Kuwait. You upgrade your car and home, and generally grow to be a part of Kuwait , or rather Kuwait like a sandy desert spirit becomes ingrained into you, and fourth and fifth ring roads become your best weekend hangouts.

Posted On 11/27/2017 4:22:51 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Just because it seems the in thing to do, you apply for migration to a western country, knowing full well in your heart that you may never be able to start a new life in another strange land. The taxation everywhere else hurts. So do the residence fees here, but can you leave Kuwait ? The general view was that once the health insurance was levied, there would be an influx of expatriates fleeing Kuwait . No one I know has left for those reasons. Leave Kuwait, and miss the Houmos and Mutabel and all the Vaasta you built up, are you kidding? Life goes on, with bodies and souls flirting in and out of The Sultan Centre, Souk Sharq, Caesar's Restaurants, all the new new malls that have sprung up like mushrooms, and hey don't forget Edee Stores.

Soon one Thursday blends into another (another weekend, so quickly?) and next thing you know you are boarding a flight to drop your son or daughter to University.

Time has flown, and you and your friends of yesteryears still meet occasionally, and discuss who has greyed more, and who's cholesterol is threatening. The whole point of who "made enough money" but never returned home is never brought up. Endless weekend dinners, get together, beach picnics, pot lucks and problems, growing up pains, career ups and downs, friends who are like family, birthdays and anniversaries, visit visas and residences later, Kuwait is home.

ISIN'T IT TRUE .............?????

Best Regards,

Posted On 11/28/2017 10:02:18 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

An American who moved to Dubai . .
This is just hilarious....... I laughed the whole time. It's great!

This following extract is taken from an American’s diary who moved to Dubai earlier last year...

April 30th:
Just got transferred to work and live in beautiful Dubai, UAE! WOW!!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It's like New York City minus all the crocks, murderers, and drunks. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on my beautiful bedroom verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 95 degrees today. Not a problem. Live in an air- conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car, and everything is fully air-conditioned. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

May 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today around our lovely pool. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. Heat is no problem at all.

June 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 95 all week even during the night. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 90% of my body. Missed 5 days of work. What a dumb thing to do in this lovely city. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
Kitty (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left for the office. By the time I got to the hot car for my lunch break, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $60,000 Audi. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

Posted On 11/28/2017 10:03:46 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant F#cking hair dryer in here!!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner died. The F#cking AC repairman charged 500 Dirhams just to drive over and tell me it was broken in F#cking Hindu English or some language that I couldn't understand.

July 30th:
Air conditioner still broken. Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now because it is 7000 F#cking degrees inside. Bloody 2,000,000 Dirhams house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
F#ck the sun. F#ck the wind. F#ck the freakin' ocean. And F#cking locals walk around dressed in white tablecloths followed by little black female ninjas. F#cking crazy town.

August 4th:
It's 114 F#cking degrees today. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed. It cost 2,000 F#cking Dirhams and got the temperature down to 25, but the F#cking humidity makes the house feel 30 F#cking Dubai degrees. Stupid terrorist repairman. I hate this stupid F#cking place.

August 8th:
If another local wiseass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to F#cking whack him all the way back to his goddamn desert. F#cking Dubai; by the time I get to work with all that F#cking traffic and heat, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a baked cat!!!

August 9th:
Tried to run some errands today because it is F#cking Friday. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in my Audi. The seat was so F#cking hot I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my F#cking ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and a baked cat.

August 10th:
The weather report might as well be a F#cking recording. Hot, humid and F#cking sunny. Hot, humid and F#cking sunny. Hot, humid and F#cking sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman dude wearing the F#cking white tablecloth on TV says it might really warm up next week. Does it ever rain in this damn F#cking place? What is next, a F#cking hell freezing over wave?

Posted On 11/28/2017 10:04:02 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

August 14th:
WELCOME TO HELL!!! Temperature got to 120 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my F#cking Audi. The F#cking Audi serviceman said, 'Hot enough for you today?' F#ck him and F#ck Audi. My wife had to spend the 7,000 Dirham to bail my ass out of jail for assaulting that stupid F#cking Paki bastard wiseass. F#ck Dubai! What kind of a sick demented F#cking idiot would want to live in this shit hole?

August 15th: (Independence Day ?)
F#ck this place. I'm off back to New York

Posted On 11/28/2017 11:12:36 PM by Modi

Dude Tanveer …you just rock!!!!!

Posted On 11/29/2017 1:10:03 AM by Friend

Tanveer nice jokes keep it up, thanks

Posted On 11/29/2017 2:31:44 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Based on the famous Ghazal of Jagjit Singh: Ye daulat bhi lelo, Ye shohrat bhi lelo - presenting GULF KI ZINDAGANI

Ye contract bhi lelo, Iqama bhi lelo

bhaley cheenlo mujhse meri ye naukri

magar mujhko lautado mehnath ki kamaayi

wo kaagaz pe likhi, wo bandish purani (esb).

Ye chotese kamron mein aat aat bandey

jo rahte hain jaisey tokri mein andey

wo chitti ka aana aur raathon ka rona

ye kapdon ka apne haathon se dhona

ye bathroom ki badboo, ye gandi rasoyi

bhulaye nahin bhool sakta hai expat koi

ye saari museebath hai lambi kahani

Kadi dhoop mein bagair A/C nikalna

ye paani, ye 7up, ye pepsi ka peena

ye superiors ki bathon pe ladna jhagadna

ye bimaar padna aur phirse sambhalna

ye majboor haalath ye bekasi ki yaaden

ye toote hue umeedon ki hai nishaani

Kabhi raat ka mushkilon se guzarna

darqaast likhna, chutti manzoor na hona

wo masoom bacchon ki chaahat hai apni

wo kaandhon pe zimmedari ki zanjeer apni

na marne ka gum hai, na haalat se bandhan

badi bebasi hai ye gulf ki zindagani

Ye contract bhi lelo, Iqama bhi lelo

bhaley cheenlo mujhse meri ye naukri

magar mujhko lautado mehnath ki kamaayi

wo kaagaz pe likhi, wo bandish purani.

Posted On 12/3/2017 11:03:32 PM by Tanveer Ahmed


My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime.

Posted On 12/3/2017 11:10:58 PM by Funner

Super !!!!

Posted On 12/4/2017 12:16:55 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Between Positive and Negative People

Positive: Think about a solution,
Negative: Think about the problem

Positive: Endless Ideas,
Negative: Endless Excuses

Positive: Helps Others,
Negative: Helped by Others

Positive: Sees a Solution for each problem ,
Negative: Sees a Problem for each Solution

Positive: Solution Hard but possible,
Negative: Solution Possible but Hard

Positive: Has Dreams He Needs to Fulfill,
Negative: Has Disillusions He Needs to Get Rid of.

Positive: Treat others as you want to be treated,
Negative: Fool others before they fool you

Positive: Sees Gain in Work,
Negative: Sees Pain in Work

Positive: Sees the Possible in the Future,
Negative: Sees the Impossible in the Future.

Positive: Selects what to Say,
Negative: Says what he selects

Positive: Strong Discussion with Soft Language,
Negative: Soft Discussion with Strong Language

Positive: Holds on Values and Forgoes Casual Issues,
Negative: Holds on Casual Issues and Forgoes Values.

Positive: Makes Events,
Negative: Made by Events


Posted On 12/4/2017 1:03:40 AM by Ten

@Tanveer, man, that American’s diary really rocked !!


Posted On 12/4/2017 10:37:33 PM by Tanveer Ahmed


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Foxtel guy wants to buy Mom .....'

If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends


Posted On 12/5/2017 12:17:16 AM by Jiji Joseph


Posted On 12/5/2017 4:48:56 AM by Dev

Teacher to children's - Raju what you want to become after studies

Raju - i want to become rich man with expensive car, big business, big house, staying in 7 star hotels, full time in air, beautiful wife, political power, body guards.

Teacher : Leena what about you , but in short

Leena - I want to become rajus wife.

Posted On 12/6/2017 4:47:17 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Dear Manager (HR),

Vivek, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Vivek works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vivek never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Vivek takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Vivek is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vivek can be

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vivek be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

sent away as soon as possible.

Signed - Project Leader

NB: That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report

sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13)

for my true assessment of him.

Posted On 12/6/2017 4:58:35 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Some Facts that make you laugh

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They
stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Posted On 12/6/2017 5:03:12 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

fun stuff

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through ATM machines
Enabling customers to withdraw cash
Without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
Requested to use the procedures outlined
Below when accessing their accounts."

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card , cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

Time given three minutes.


Suggestions may be dropped in the box.


A lady narrated her problems and
suggested the time
limit to be increased to ten minutes for ladies

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Set parking brake , put the window down.
3. Find handbag , remove all contents
On to passenger seat to locate card
4. Attempt to insert card into machine.
5. Open car door to allow easier access
To machine due to its excessive distance
From the car.
6. Insert card.
7. Re-insert card the right way.
8. Dig through handbag to find diary;
With your PIN written on the inside back page.
9. Enter PIN.
10. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
11. Enter amount of cash required.
12. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
13. . Retrieve cash and receipt.
14. Empty handbag again to locate
Wallet and place cash inside.
15. Write debit amount in check register
And place receipt in back of checkbook.
16. Retrieve card.

17. Give a dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
18. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake..


Posted On 12/6/2017 11:48:33 PM by healthyman

You hate me, you curse me, you always try to get rid of me. But I never stop loving you and always come back to you.
Sincerely yours

Posted On 12/7/2017 1:41:37 AM by HAPPY GUY

Sardar asked Chinese girl for her number after business meeting in Hongkong.
She said "Sex Sex Free Sex Two Night."
Sardar was excited but then his local friend said don't get wrong,
she means 663629

Posted On 12/10/2017 11:16:29 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

A sardar at USA passingby NASA and notices scientists are trying to launch a rocket. countdown starts ....3,2,1 go.. but rocket fails to start off.
Next day at the same time he notices again they are trying to launch again and again it fails. Sardar interrupts them asking "Gentlemen! Give me a chance I will make it to start". Scientists fed up with it found no harm giving a chance to him. Sardar asks to bend it to 45degrees and keep for a while and again lift it to 90degrees. They did it and surprisingly rocket starts and takes off.
People astonished asks Sardar "how could you do that".
"Hum tho bajaj chetak aise hi start karthe hain".

Posted On 12/10/2017 11:18:25 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

best sardar joke ever:

A sardar enters a showroom and asks the salesman, " yeh almari kitne ki hai"?
Salesman says "hum sardar ko nahi bechthe".
Sardar determined to buy it at any cost. Next day he trims his beard and reaches there again and asks "yeh almari kitne ki hai"?
salesman again replies the same.
next day he cuts his hair and enters like an englishman with suit. again same thing happens.
after 1 more attempt he gives up and asks,"bhai tujhe kaise patha ke main sardar hoon"
"kyonki ye almari nahi fridge hai".

Posted On 12/10/2017 11:22:31 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

Rajnikanth's next project is the Titanic in Tamil. However, Rajni has twisted the climax. Both the lead actors survive. Rajni swims across the Atlantic Ocean with the heroine in one hand and... the Titanic in the other!

Recently China airports were closed due to heavy fog. Later it was discovered that Rajnikanth was smoking in India!

Rajnikanth did his KG from seven different schools. Today those institutions are known as IITs!

The Government of India pays tax to Rajnikanth for living here!

Posted On 12/10/2017 11:24:30 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

Once Rajnikant was caught on the highway for over speeding… while walking…

Great mystery solved : the missing piece of apple in Apple’s Logo was eaten by Rajnikant!!

Rajnikanth added facebook as his friend

Once Rajnikanth was on Hot Seat of KBC and Computer needed Lifeline to Choose the question

Rajnikant runs until the treadmill gets tired

Superman once got into a fight with Rajnikanth. The loser had to wear his underwear over his pants.

Posted On 12/12/2017 12:08:43 AM by Tanveer Ahmed


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Winter come, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Winter comes, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

BBC, CNN, NDTV show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Amnesty International and Kofi Annan criticizes the Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of the winter.

The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by BBC,CNN and NDTV.

The developed World calls it "A Triumph of justice..".

Kind Regards,

Posted On 12/12/2017 12:17:49 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Money !

It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt. Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100.

The butcher takes the money and races to his wholesale supplier to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.

The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.

At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs??
the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and? The small town people look optimistically towards their future.


Posted On 12/14/2017 3:31:46 AM by Tanveer Ahmed


A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses.

He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in.

A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.

Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!!!)

Posted On 12/14/2017 3:34:44 AM by Tanveer Ahmed


After six years of trying to start a family, a couple was finally blessed with the birth of its first child. The wife told her husband to put an announcement in the local paper. When he returned from the newspaper office, she asked him what details he had included. "Just the name, address and date," he said.

"How much did it cost?"

"About six hundred and eighty dollars," he replied.

"Why so much?" the stunned woman exclaimed.

"Well, after I wrote out the announcement, the clerk asked me how many insertions, and I said four times a week for six years."

Posted On 12/14/2017 3:43:23 AM by Tanveer Ahmed


Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Test icle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Posted On 12/14/2017 3:51:55 AM by Tanveer Ahmed


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.... .. Anythi ng that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


Posted On 12/14/2017 4:23:56 AM by Tanveer Ahmed


1. How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday

2. What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start

3. Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"

4. Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...

5. What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's

6. What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four

7. What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
They both have frozen assets

8. Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word - goodbye.

9. What is a banker's favourite chocolate bar? A credit crunchie!

10. For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland?
Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...

11. Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

and finally the Best

12. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.


Posted On 12/17/2017 2:46:22 AM by Tanveer Ahmed


A guy and his blonde girlfriend are driving to the movies one night for a date.

As the guy was making a right turn, he noticed his turn signal light inside the car didn't light up at all. So as he approached the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to please stick her head out the window and tell him if his turn signal is working.

She happily obliges and at the turn she sticks her head out the window and replies, "It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't.""

Posted On 12/17/2017 3:16:28 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Something to think about....
There was a one hour interview on CNBC with Warren Buffet, the second ?richest man who has donated $31 billion to charity. Here are some very ?interesting aspects of his life:
• He bought his first share at age 11 and he now regrets that he started ?too late!
• He bought a small farm at age 14 with savings from delivering ?newspapers.
• He still lives in the same small 3-bedroom house in mid-town Omaha, that
he bought after he got married 50 years ago. He says that he has everything he needs in that house. His house does not have ?a wall or a fence.
• He drives his own car everywhere and does not have a driver or security
people around him.
• He never travels by private jet, although he owns the world's largest ?private jet company.
• His company, Berkshire Hathaway, owns 63 companies. He writes only one ?letter each year to the CEOs of these companies, giving them goals for the ?year.
• He never holds meetings or calls them on a regular basis.
• He has ?given his CEO's only two rules. Rule number 1: do not lose any of your ?shareholder's money. Rule number 2: Do not forget rule number 1.
• He does not socialize with the high society crowd. His past time after ?he gets home is to make himself some popcorn and watch Television.
• Bill Gates, the world's richest man met him for the first time only 5 ?years ago. Bill Gates did not think he had anything in common with Warren Buffet. So he had scheduled his meeting only for half hour. But when Gates ?met him, the meeting lasted for ten hours and Bill Gates became a devotee ?of Warren Buffet.
• Warren Buffet does not carry a cell phone, nor has a computer on his ?desk.
• His advice to young people: " Stay away from credit cards " and invest ?in yourself and Remember:?Money doesn't create man but it is the man who created money.
• Live your life as simple as you are.
• Do not do what others say, just listen to them, but do what you feel good.
• Do not go on brand names; just wear those things in which u feel ?comfortable.
• Do not waste your money on unnecessary things; just spend them on who are ?really in need, rather.
After all it is your life then "why do we give a chance to others to rule ?our lives

Posted On 12/17/2017 3:35:11 AM by Tanveer Ahmed


1. No Breakfast
People who do not take breakfast are going to have a lower blood sugar level.
This leads to an insufficient supply of nutrients to the brain causing brain degeneration.

2. Overeating
It causes hardening of the brain arteries, leading to a decrease in mental power.

3. Smoking
It causes multiple brain shrinkage and may lead to Alzheimer disease.

4. High Sugar consumption
Too much sugar will interrupt the absorption of proteins and nutrients causingmalnutrition and may interfere with brain development.

5. Air Pollution
The brain is the largest oxygen consumer in our body. Inhaling polluted air decreases the supply of oxygen to the brain, bringing about a decrease in brain efficiency.

6. Sleep Deprivation
Sleep allows our brain to rest. Long term deprivation from sleep will accelerate the death of brain cells.
7. Head covered while sleeping
Sleeping with the head covered, increases the concentration of carbon dioxide and decrease concentration of oxygen that may lead to brain damaging effects.

8. Working your brain during illness
Working hard or studying with sickness may lead to a decrease in effectiveness of the brain as well as damage the brain.

9. Lacking in stimulating thoughts
Thinking is the best way to train our brain, lacking in brain stimulation thoughts may cause brain shrinkage.

10. Talking Rarely
Intellectual conversations will promote the efficiency of the brain

Posted On 12/17/2017 3:36:06 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

The main causes of liver damage are:

1. Sleeping too late and waking up too late are main cause.
2. Not urinating in the morning.
3. Too much eating.
4. Skipping breakfast.
5. Consuming too much medication.
6. Consuming too much preservatives, additives, food coloring , and artificial sweetener.
7. Consuming unhealthy cooking oil. As much as possible reduce cooking oil use when frying, which includes even the best cooking oils like olive oil. Do not consume fried foods when you are tired, except if the body is very fit.
8. Consuming raw (overly done) foods also add to the burden of liver.
Veggies should be eaten raw or cooked 3-5 parts. Fried veggies should be finished in one sitting, do not store.

We should prevent this without necessarily spending more. We just have to adopt a good daily lifestyle and eating habits. Maintaining good eating habits and time condition are very important for our bodies to absorb and get rid of unnecessary chemicals according to "schedule."

Posted On 12/17/2017 3:36:22 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Because :

Evening at 9 - 11 PM : is the time for eliminating unnecessary/ toxic chemicals (detoxification) from the antibody system (lymph nodes). This time duration should be spent by relaxing or listening to music. If during this time a housewife is still in an unrelaxed state such as washing the dishes or monitoring children doing their homework, this will have a negative impact on health.

Evening at 11pm - 1 am : is the detoxification process in the liver, and ideally should be done in a deep sleep state.

Early morning 1 - 3 am : detoxification process in the gall, also ideally done in a deep sleep state.
Early morning 3 - 5 am : detoxification in the lungs. Therefore there will sometimes be a severe cough for cough sufferers during this time. Since the detoxification process had reached the respiratory tract, there is no need to take cough medicine so as not to interfere with toxin removal process.
Morning 5 - 7am : detoxification in the colon, you should empty your bowel.

Morning 7 - 9 am : absorption of nutrients in the small intestine, you should be having breakfast at this time. Breakfast should be earlier, before 6:30 am , for those who are sick. Breakfast before 7:30 am is very beneficial to those wanting to stay fit. Those who always skip breakfast, they should change their habits, and it is still better to eat breakfast late until 9 - 10 am rather than no meal at all.

Sleeping so late and waking up too late will disrupt the process of removing unnecessary chemicals. Aside from that, midnight to 4:00 am is the time when the bone marrow produces blood. Therefore, have a good sleep and don't sleep late.

Posted On 12/18/2017 2:27:39 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Following Are True Incidents Happened in the Life of Albert Einstein

One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. He expressed his desire to the boss, and Albert Einstein, said to him in next town no one knows me, so take over. at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his driver's uniform. Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet even my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it..."

Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally, when he headed off to work. "Why should I?" he would invariably argue. Everyone knows me there." When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. "Why should I?"said Einstein. "No one knows me there

Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"

When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of the cab did not recognize him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein's home? The driver said "Who does not know Einstein's address? Everyone in Princeton knows. Do you want to meet him?". Einstein replied "I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you take me there? "The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him .

Albert Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it. The conductor said, '

Posted On 12/18/2017 2:28:28 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.' Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket. The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.' Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.''

So folks, the next time I am not dressed to your liking......or I dont know where I'm coming from or going to.....or I forget your name when I am talking to you,......

I'm Albert Einstein in the making !!!!

Posted On 12/18/2017 2:41:35 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Santa marries a Chinese girl.

She dies one year later.
Santa is very sad and is crying.

Banta consoles Santa :
"Oye Santa, I too am saddened. But……

When you got a Chinese bride, didn’t you know that ‘Made in China’ stuff doesn’t last very long !!!!!!!!


Posted On 12/21/2017 12:26:50 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Discovery of a new element.

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Posted On 12/21/2017 12:29:47 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Thoughts for Today --- With Humour

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell who’s to blame when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt . <
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Ageing: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about ageing is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf


Posted On 12/21/2017 2:32:46 AM by Moiz Ali

Office Norms: Unlocking the real meaning
In the office culture, every action or inaction has an inherent
meaning. Make sure you are aware of it. Suppose you raise an
issue by email or letter to a colleague. In case he replies, you have to
derive the right meaning not only from the text but also from
the time, form, size, mode, etc. of his reply.
Below are few examples when your manager/colleague replies
Reply Type Real Meaning
He replies promptly He is clear and not at fault
He replies to you only He wants to close the issue
He replies but put CC to higher
He wants to escalate the issue
He reply is very short He is covering up something
He replies through lengthy mail He wants to expose you
He replied late He resolves the issue before
He reply is vague He tries to confuse you
Remember that he also conveys a message to you by not
answering you. It could mean any of the following scenarios.
- You are not important
- He is still looking for good excuse
- He wants the issue to die in silence
- He wants you to forget it

Posted On 12/21/2017 2:36:00 AM by HN

Congress lost in Gujarat but won hearts! (kidneys, livers, lungs and pancreas seriously?!)

Pappu ALONE contesting Congress presidential elections and...........hold ur nerves.......winning it too. Holy shit! So Surprising!! He's no more a Pappu! He's become pappuon ka pappu. Pappu maharaj!

Posted On 1/7/2018 3:39:06 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Lessons from English history


The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. (And today, the westerners teach us hygiene ! ! ) However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married (its another thing that the GM flowers of today only look good).

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying ... . It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

Posted On 1/7/2018 3:40:15 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. (So much for all of us going over western education !!)

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust. (And they deplored Indians for having the caste system !!) Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake. (Can someone tell me the effects of good old toddy ??)

Posted On 1/7/2018 3:40:40 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer..

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

Posted On 1/7/2018 3:46:51 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Why the Tomato Was Feared in Europe for More Than 200 Years
How the fruit got a bad rap from the beginning

Posted On 1/8/2018 2:24:57 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

LIFE Use these rules
Dear All,
I'm sure u all love this

Use... this... in... life
Talk-------- -------Softly
Walk-------- --------Humbly
Eat--------- --------- -Sensibly
Breathe----- --------- ------Deeply
Sleep------- --------- ------Sufficient ly
Dress------- --------- --------- --Smartly
Act--------- --------- --------- ----Fearlessly
Work-------- --------- --------- -------Patiently
Think------- --------- --------- --------- -Truthfully
Believe----- --------- --------- --------- ----Correctly
Behave------ --------- --------- --------- --------Decently
Learn------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --Practically
Plan-------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Orderly
Earn-------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----Honestly
Save-------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Regularly
Spend------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --Intelligently
Love-------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------Passionat ely
ENJOY --- ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -COMPLETELY

Enjoy LIFE ,

Posted On 1/8/2018 2:33:09 AM by Tanveer Ahmed


1.If all the nations in the world are in debt ( I am not joking. even USA has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird)

2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)

3.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd)

4.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)

5.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

6.Can you cry under water? (let me try)

7.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (i think they meant something else)

8.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? God knows)

9.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)

11.What does OK actually mean? (dont know)

12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight i will stay and watch)

13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)

14.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

15.What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)

16.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help )

17.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

18.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isnt it)

19.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

20.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (i dont have a change to try)

21.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)

22.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice)

23.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 200 Kms/Hrs when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law)

Posted On 1/8/2018 2:39:25 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

21st CENTURY ... USELESS!!!???
Our communication - Wireless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our dress - Topless

Our boss - hopeless
Our Salary - Very less


Posted On 1/8/2018 4:49:26 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Joke in hindi

Ek din, main Delhi pahuncha,
Station pe ek coolie se bahar jane ka rasta poochha.
Coolie ne kaha: "Bahar jaake poochho."

Maine khud hi rasta dhundh liya,
Bahar jaake taxiwale se poochhaa:
"Bhai saab Lal Kile ka kitna loge?"
Jawab mila: "Bechna nahi hai."

Taxi chhod, maine bus pakad li, Conductor se poochhaa: "Ji, kya mein cigarette pi sakta hoon?"

Wo gurrra kar bola: "Hargiz nahi, yahaan cigarette pina mana hai."

Maine kaha: "Par wo janaab to pi rahe hai!"

Phir se gurrrraya: "Usne mujhse poochhaa nahi hai."

Lal Kile pahucha, hotel gaya.

Manager se kaha: "Mujhe room chahiye, saatvi manzil pe."

Manager ne kaha: "Rahane ke liye ya koodne ke liye?"

Room pahucha, waiter se kaha: "Ek paani ka gilaas milega?"

Usne jawab diya: "Nahi saahab, yahan to saare kaanch ke milte hain."

Hotel se nikla, dost ke ghar jaane ke liye,

Raste me ek sahab se poochhaa: "Janab, ye sadak kahaan ko jaati hai?"

Janab hans kar bole: "Peechhle bees saal se dekh raha hoon, Yahi padi hai... kahin nahin jaati."

Dost ke ghar pahucha, to mujhe dekhte hi chownk pada,

Usne poochha: "Kaise aana hua?"

Ab tak to mujhe bhi aadat pad gayi thi, Maine bhi jawab diya: "Train se."

Meri aaobhagat karne ke liye dost ne apni biwi se kaha: "Areeee sunti ho... mera dost pehli baar ghar aaya hai, use kuch taja taja khilao."

Sunte hi bhabhiji ne ghar ki sari khidkiya aur darwaje khol diye. Kaha: "Taji hawa kha lijiye."

Dost ne phir se baday pyar se biwi se kaha: "Areeee sunti ho, inhe jara apna chalis saal purana achar to dikhana."

Bhabiji ek baatli me rakha aachar le aayi. Maine bhi apnapan dikhate hue bhabiji se kaha:

"Bhabhiji, aachar sirf dikhayengi, chakhayengi nahi?"

Bhabiji ne taak jawab diya: "Yuhi agar sab ko chakhati To aachar chalis saal purana kaise hota?"

Thodi der baad dekha, bhabiji apne potey ko sula rah thi, Saath me lori bhi ga rahi thi:
Diploma so ja, diploma so ja." Lori soon mein hairan hua aur dost se poochha:
"Yaar, ye diploma kya hai?"

Dost ne jawab diya: "Mere grandson ka naam, Beti bambai gayi thi, diploma lene ke liye Aur saath mein ise le aayi, Isiliye hamne iska naam Diploma rakh diya."

Phir maine poochhaa: "Aajkal tumhari beti kya kar rahi hai?"

Dost ne jawab diya: "Bambai gayi hai, degree lene ke liye

Posted On 1/8/2018 4:53:59 AM by Tanveer Ahmed


Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Posted On 1/10/2018 12:02:57 AM by Tanveer Ahmed


Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, nothing happens, it must be really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it's still on my desk... sorry .

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Is that your left or my left?

Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red ...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah ... that one does work!

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a Capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

A customer couldn't get on the Internet: -
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I watched my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry ... Internet Explorer.

Posted On 1/10/2018 12:03:58 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Customer: I have a huge problem.
A friend has placed screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.
Can You please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago.
Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?

Posted On 1/10/2018 12:10:52 AM by Tanveer Ahmed

Email for Bollywood Stars (funny)
















Sunny Deol: He is still busy fighting Pakistani soldiers. Mail address is a secret.





Raveena Tandon:


Posted On 1/10/2018 10:28:32 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

Keyboard Shortcuts For Windows :- Useful One
Useful Shortcut:

• Start + E: Runs Windows Explorer
• Start + M: Minimizes all open windows
• Start + Shift + M: Maximizes All Windows
• Start + R: Open the RUN Dialog Box
• Start + F: Open the Search Results Dialog box
• Start + CTRL + F: Opens the Search Results-Computer dialog Box (if the computer is connected to a network)
• Start + Pause (Break): Opens the System Properties Dialog Box

Windows System Key Combinations:
• F1: Help
• CTRL + ESC: Open Start menu
• ALT + TAB: Switch between open programs
• ALT + F4: Quit program
• SHIFT + DELETE: Delete item permanently

Windows Program Key Combinations:
• CTRL + C: Copy
• CTRL + X: Cut
• CTRL + V: Paste
• CTRL + Z: Undo
• CTRL + B: Bold
• CTRL + U: Underline
• CTRL + I: Italic

Mouse Click/Keyboard Modifier Combinations for Shell Objects:
• SHIFT + right click: Displays a shortcut menu containing alternative commands
• SHIFT + double click: Runs the alternate default command (the second item on the menu)
• ALT + double click: Displays properties
• SHIFT + DELETE: Deletes an item immediately without placing it in the Recycle Bin

Posted On 1/10/2018 10:29:27 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

General Keyboard-Only Commands:
• F1: Starts Windows Help
• F10: Activates menu bar options
• SHIFT + F10: Opens a shortcut menu for the selected item (this is the same as right-clicking an object
• CTRL + ESC: Opens the Start menu (use the ARROW keys to select an item)
• CTRL + ESC or ESC: Selects the Start button (press TAB to select the taskbar, or press SHIFT+F10 for a context menu)
• ALT + DOWN ARROW: Opens a drop-down list box
• ALT + TAB: Switch to another running program (hold down the ALT key and then press the TAB key to view the task-switching window)
• SHIFT: Press and hold down the SHIFT key while you insert a CD-ROM to bypass the automatic-run feature
• ALT + SPACE: Displays the main window's System menu (from the System menu, you can restore, move, resize, minimize, maximize, or close the window)
• ALT +- (ALT + hyphen): Displays the Multiple Document Interface (MDI)child window's System menu (from the MDI child window's System menu, you can restore, move, resize, minimize, maximize, or close the child window)
• CTRL + TAB: Switch to the next child window of a Multiple Document Interface (MDI) program
• ALT + underlined letter in menu: Opens the menu
• ALT + F4: Closes the current window
• CTRL + F4: Closes the current Multiple Document Interface (MDI) window
• ALT + F6: Switch between multiple windows in the same program (for example, when the Notepad Find dialog box is displayed
• ALT + F6: switches between the Find dialog box and the main Notepad window)

Posted On 1/10/2018 10:30:35 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

Shell Objects and General Folder/Windows Explorer Shortcuts For a selected object:
• F2: Rename object
• F3: Find all files
• CTRL + X: Cut
• CTRL + C: Copy
• CTRL + V: Paste
• SHIFT + DELETE: Delete selection immediately, without moving the item to the Recycle Bin
• ALT + ENTER: Open the properties for the selected object
• To Copy a File: Press and hold down the CTRL key while you drag the file to another folder.
• To Create a Shortcut: Press and hold down CTRL+SHIFT while you drag a file to the desktop or a folder.

General Folder/Shortcut Control:
• F4: Selects the Go To A Different Folder box and moves down the entries in the box (if the toolbar is active in Windows Explorer)
• F5: Refreshes the current window.
• F6: Moves among panes in Windows Explorer
• CTRL + G: Opens the Go To Folder tool (in Windows 95 Windows Explorer only)
• CTRL + Z: Undo the last command
• CTRL + A: Select all the items in the current window
• BACKSPACE: Switch to the parent folder
• SHIFT + click + Close button: For folders, close the current folder plus all parent folders

Windows Explorer Tree Control:
• Numeric Keypad *: Expands everything under the current selection
• Numeric Keypad +: Expands the current selection
Numeric Keypad -: Collapses the current selection.
• RIGHT ARROW: Expands the current selection if it is not expanded, otherwise goes to the first child
• LEFT ARROW: Collapses the current selection if it is expanded, otherwise goes to the parent

Thanks And Best Regards

Posted On 1/10/2018 11:22:01 PM by Tanveer Ahmed

YEAR 2005
YE AR 20 05

The Sourav Ganguly jokes

Whenever a player, especially if he is also the captain, fails to live up to the expectations, he becomes a butt of jokes.

Our reader Sandeep Joshi has sent us some Ganguly jokes that we find funny. Have a look.

Shoaib Akhtar admits Ganguly is faster and quicker than him. "I haven't seen any one get out so fast. Man, I envy his speed. I am quick but he is quickest," he says, "I think I should now cut my run up short when I bowl to him. Or else, he might be gone when I am half way through my run up."

Narain Karthikeyan to get some tips on Speed from Ganguly. His sponsors have asked him to talk to the Prince of Kolkata. They are also planning to endorse Ganguly.

Dinesh Karthick confesses that his skills in getting ready and padded have improved a lot. "As soon as Ganguly goes to bat, I know there is very little time in getting ready. I must have broken world records a few times in this series in getting padded up," says the Indian wicketkeeper.

Q: Any guess which is Ganguly's favorite movie?
A: Gone in 60 seconds.

Railways keen on Ganguly: At least we'll be having someone who comes (back) before time. This will help them improve the image with the Indian public.

Q: Which was the hottest place in the Chinnaswamy Stadium for the past few days?
A: The seat Ganguly was sitting in while in the dressing room.

Ganguly to donate all his bats to charity. "I don't require a bat nowadays", said the Indian southpaw.

Best Regards

All the content posted under the 'IIK Forum' are made by the readers of, unless specified otherwise. is not responsible for the opinions of the readers and the content posted by the readers are not representative of the views and opinions of takes no responsibility for the views expressed in the discussion.
Posting complaints with name/address changed or anonymously not allowed. Those accounts will be banned.
No complaints may be posted while impersonating (acting as a different person).
For any complaints about any person, business establishment or an entity, you must leave your verifiable contactable address & phone number otherwise your post will be deleted. 
Forum does not allow you to post defamatory / malicious post against any person or an entity.
Topics of nature related to disrespectfully criticize, impersonate, include personal details of, make false/malicious claims about; or negatively affect any member,  person or entity will be removed We appreciate your help in keeping IIK Forum clean and a pleasant experience for our readers. Search the forum before you start a new discussion to avoid repeating debates.

Frequently read topics...

How to start a topic for discussion?
Its easy! Click here to post your topic.
You need to login, if you are not already logged into IIK. If you are not yet a member, you can register here.
How to read and reply an existing topic?
You can view an existing discussion by clicking on that topic title. When you are in a discussion, you can share you reviews and opinions by clicking on the REPLY button on that page.