“It’s 2am, why am I still awake.” I thought to myself, staring wide awake at the dark ceiling.

I could hear my breathing, my heart beating. Shadows calmly lay asleep across the walls, patiently watching over me, as I continue to turn around helplessly in my bed.

“Tick. Tock.”

“Sleep already, please.” I plead to myself, not that it did any good to calm my nerves.

After all, it was the night before I heard back from the University of Oxford, my dream university.

And after having gone through the experience of success or rejection, (Gotta keep the suspense alive right!) I thought it’d be nice to take a while to reflect, over a cup of coffee of course! (I’m addicted to this stuff)

December 3rd, 2020. Over 3 years ago, I wrote an article talking about the future. University, career options, you know what normally high schoolers fuss about.

It’s crazy to think just how much things have changed since then. My hobbies, my thoughts, my principles, my views, my relationships, my ambitions.

Many interests and people left behind, making way for many new ones to occupy their seats, and in the process I made some incredible memories.

I realized roles with a lot more responsibility and gained many valuable insights and enriching experiences. I made friends for a lifetime, spent cherished moments with my family, solidified my ambitions and above all; made tons of mistakes.

I know that sounds ironic, every time my mind flips onto one of the many episodes of failures in my life, it makes me grit my teeth.

Yet, there’s a nuanced pride in every time I reflect upon my mistakes, I learned something after all.

And I believe a part of my current self has grown from my past, albeit at a miniscule degree, from all the lessons I’ve picked up from my insurmountable number of mistakes.

Honestly that article was a lot more light hearted than I remember. Having re-read it now, 3 years later, leaves a bittersweet feeling somewhere in my heart.

After all, it felt all so big and terrifying at the time and now that I’m finally here, lies a present of normalcy?

It’s funny to think that once a dream that felt so far away, so unrealistic and distant, was now lying quietly on my palm, breathing sighs of relief.

I quite vividly remember every step in my application journey, from deciding on applying to Oxford to sending in my application to other stages in the admissions process.

And to address the elephant in the room, the trigger that made me want to write this article in the first place, the outcome of my application.

My family, complete with a couple of my friends, stood around me as I nervously checked my email. And there it was….

I got in! What a rush that was! The entire room burst through with screams of joy. It will be a moment I will never forget, after all, I made them proud.

My parents, who have worked so hard for my brother and I to receive a good education, were proud of me. And that my friends, is a joy like no other. It’s a happiness so unconditionally pure, so fulfilling that I wish it upon everyone I know.

And while I achieved this goal that I’ve frantically been obsessing over for more than a year, now that I’m on the receiving end, I’m already on to my next obsession.

And that’s life for you, you’ll move on. Your next goal, next commitment, something will always be happening so enjoy what’s in the moment and worry about the result later.

Nevertheless, the storms of stress and flames of anxiety have ceased to exist! That’s what the Shakesphere in me would like to say, but of course life is all but a fleeting cloud.

Sometimes the sun shines through, setting the world alight in its shimmery gaze while other times, it hides behind the clouds to maybe, take a nap? The sun probably gets tired too, you know.

And while I would love to tell my 9th grader self, “Behold! All thy worries have bitten the dust” that would just be a hopeless lie.

But if by miracle of fate, I come face to face with 9th grade Abhipsa, I would tell her one thing;

“Don’t stop. Even if failure was statistically far more probable than an offer, that doesn't mean it’s not worth trying. To try is to make an effort towards success and is an achievement in and itself. Raise your head, work harder and for the love of God, don’t stop. No matter what. That’s the best thing you can do.”

And that’s my cup of coffee leaving me behind. Until next time when I return as a somber, nostalgic teen with a cup full of steaming hot coffee!

Signing offAbhipsa :)